POTC Secret SantaAn iAnna Christmas
by iAnna-n-Gypsy
Summary: What is the entire POTC cast doing for Christmas? Why didn't Will get a present? How did Barbossa get into the house? WHAT MAKES DAVY MORE ATTRACTIVE THAN MACCUS? DO YOU PAY ATTENTION THE THE BELLY CHUB! And why doES Jack and Liz have the same sweater?...


AnaMaria: Hey hey hey! iAnna Christmas episode up! i worked on this all night to finish it! Please tell me it's good. I'm tired and I'm surprised I'm uploading this instead of sleeping!

Gypsy: Just enjoy! All twenty one pages of it!

* * *

An iAnna Christmas

(AnaMaria and Gypsy are sitting in a heavily decorated iAnna lounge; Jack runs in through the door.)

**Anamaria** Gah! Jack, close the door! Are you aware that is is almost 30 degrees _below_ in Southern Wisconsin???

Jack: Gypsy! Anna! Guess what!?

Anna: What did I say? What did I _just_ say? Anna. Is. COLD!

Gypsy: (takes ice cube out of soda) And now you are colder. (puts ice cube down Anna's shirt)

Anna: EEK!!!

Jack: I s_a-a-a-a-a-a-a-aid_ "Guess What!?"

Anna: (opens back of shirt, lets ice cube fall out) What the hell do you want?!

Jack: It's only a week until Christmas! (runs outside looking very proud of himself)

Gypsy: (turns to Anna) Can't we _do_ something about him?

Anna: Nah, Jack's as dumb as a box of rocks. Let's hope he gets lost and freezes inside a bear... No, wait… that's an insult to rocks.

Gypsy: Brain transplant? _Straitjacket_!?

Anna: No, or medical bills are straight through the chimney! And—hmmm.

Gypsy: YAY!!! (snaps fingers)

Jack: (off screen) What the-? SOMEBODY GET THIS THING OFF OF ME! (Gypsy and Anna start laughing insanely; Arabella Smith and Elizabeth Swann walk in from hallway.)

Anna: (wipes away tear) Oh, hey Bella. Liz. Gypsy just put Jack in a straitjacket.

Bella: Oh… _guys! _You _know_ he freaks out when people bind him up!

Anna and Gypsy: Duh! That's _why_ we did it!

Elizabeth: (hopping up and down) Jackie in a straitjacket? (looks at Arabella and puppy-dog pouts) Can I?

Arabella: (rolls eyes) Oh, you're gonna do it anyway.

Elizabeth: Sa-WEET! (takes mittens out of pocket) I'll be back in 30 minutes...(runs outside)

Gypsy: (calls out) He gets three minutes of air for every inch of air!!!

Elizabeth: GOT IT!!!

((Jack is laying down flat in the snow and Elizabeth has a giant shovel in her hands.))

Jack: No! Nuh-uh! I rather have BECKETT out here!

Elizabeth: I'm making a caterpillar out of snow for art class...You're the base! (scoops up snow and throws onto Jack)

((Back inside iAnna set))

Anna: (looks at Arabella) You're _letting _this happen?

Bella: (sighs) Whatever. I'll help him out when Lizzy's done. (walks away)

Anna: (turns to Gypsy) Jack does have a point, though. We're a week away from Christmas and we have nothing planned for the cast!

Gypsy: So?

Anna: What do you mean, _so?!_

Gypsy: Soooo, they'll have their own Christmases won't they?

Anna: Jack won't because of the baby preparations. I won't because my parents don't love me and I've got too much family. Norry won't have a _natural _Christmas. Davy's spending Christmas with Tia and her family… Face it! Nobody except you is having a good Christmas!

Gypsy: Two good Christmases!

Anna: Huh?

Gypsy: Your parents love me more than they love you.

.

Anna: (pouts) Yeah… (perks up) What do you say?! An iAnna Christmas! Please-please-please-please-please-please?!

Gypsy: (claps hands over ears) ALL RIGHT!!! If you'll shut up, we'll do a Secret Santa!

Anna: (Hugs her) Thank you!

Gypsy: (squirms) No touchy! No huggy! (Anna squeezes tighter) AAAACK!

Jack: (hops into room) Someone call me?

Anna: (releases Gypsy) No. Just go away Christmas-boy! What happened to Elizabeth's 'art' project???

Jack: Oh yeah, Fitzwilliam's here. Did you ever notice how Liz's whole world melts away when he's here?

Anna: No _duh_, Jack.

Gypsy: (Pulls out remote) This is for bugging me (presses button; Jack explodes) and _this_ is for _hugging _me! (Presses another button; Anna explodes; Hadras walks in)

Hadras: Hey, Gypsy. (looks at black scorch marks) What happened?

Gypsy: Anna and Jack, plus an annoyed me, equals spontaneous combustion.

Hadras: Huh?

Gypsy: Anna and Jack go boom-boom!

Hadras: Oooh… why didn't you just say so?

Gypsy: (looks at remote) Bye-bye annoyance! (presses button)

Hadras: Why does everyone keep saying that?! (BOOM BOOM KABOOM!!! Hadras exploded)

Gypsy: Three out of sixteen annoyances down.

Anna: (appears out of nowhere) HEY! Why'd you blow me up!

Gypsy: Damn, she survived… YOU HUGGED ME!!!

Anna: Can we just move on with the show?! Where's the cast?

Gypsy: Hopefully in the fiery pit of-

Anna: GYPSY!!!

Gypsy: I mean the fiery _ball_ pit of _fun! _

Anna: _Better_… but out of character.

Gypsy: Hey, I have a grand total of two personalities… Homicidal, evil, and the queen of explosives… or… _forcedly_ happy, joyful, cheerful, good willing, and nice… PICK ONE!!

Anna: (sighs) Actually, the second one, but unfortunately, if that were the case we'd hardly have a show...

Gypsy: Right. (stands up and sets soda on the table) And for there to be an iAnna Christmas, we've got to tell everyone! (drags Anna up by hand) Luckily, Elizabeth and Fitzy are already here and everyone else lives in the area. So let's get to it! (drags Anna to door)

Anna: Glad you see it my way, Gypsy!

Gypsy: Yup, yup, yup! (Pushes Anna out the door)

Anna: Wait, don't I need a coat?

Gypsy: Nah, it's only a couple of blocks, and Norry and Beckett live right in town down the highway!

Anna: I CAN'T DRIVE!

Gypsy: So?

Anna: I'm wearing a stinkin' T-shirt!

Gypsy: I believe that was _your_ decision! (swings door shut)

Anna: MEH?!

Gypsy: (claps hands together) I can't believe she forgot _phones_ existed. (locks door)

* * *

((The previous night around midnight: Teague and Laura are at peace sleeping in their bedroom...Until colorful lights and sound come blasting through the window.))

Teague: (groggily wakes up) What? Why-do-all-the-other-kids-get-ponies? (punches pillow; eyes open; Teague slowly sits up) Nobody heard that...(looks over) What the hell is going on?!?! (stars shaking Laura) Laura, get up.

Laura: (rolls over still half asleep) Are the Nazis coming?

Teague: Laura!!!

Laura: (props herself up on an elbow and looks over at window) Well, what do you want _me_ to do about that? Go check it out yourself!

Teague: All right then! (gets up and goes over and opens window) It's a bunch of decorations and..._Christmas _music! (pokes head out) ...BOOTSTRAP, IS THAT YOU!?

Bootstrap: (calling from down the street) HI THERE! HO THERE! HO HO HO THERE!

Teague: BOOTSTRAP, IT'S MIDNIGHT, DON'T YOU THINK IT'S A LITTLE _EARLY_ FOR DECORATIONS? FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, I CAN HEAR YOU FROM ALL THE WAY DOWN THE BLOCK! TURN THAT CRAP OFF!!!

Bootstrap: WHAT WOULD I DO THAT FOR? YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO EARLY FOR CHRISTMAS, TEAGUE!

Teague: BOOTSTRAP, ARE YOU DRUNK???

Bootstrap: (in sing-song voice) I'm not so-o-o-b-e-e-e-r!

Teague: IF YOU DON'T TAKE DOWN THOSE CHRISTMAS LIGHT'S YOU AREN'T GOING TO _HAVE _A CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR!!! (pulls head in and turns to Laura) You don't see _me_ going all berserk with lights and decorations, you do?

Laura: Teague, I don't think you even _own _any decorations for _anything._ Don't you think that could have affected Jack in some weird emotional way? Like, let's say in the future, he won't even _care _about the holidays? (rolls over and pulls covers over her head) That's just _sad._

Teague: (waves hand) Nah, it couldn't have mattered that much.

(A door slams, footsteps are heard running down the stairs, another door slams, and the outside lights turn on; Teague pokes his head outside the window.)

Jack: (is running along sidewalk underneath their window in those stupid tight little-boy pajamas) IT'S A MIRACLE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E!

Laura: (sits upright) Teague, go get your son back!

Teague: Meh, it's fine. Let him go live with another family if he wants to.

Laura: (gives death glare) Teague...

Teague: (crosses arms) Fine. (stares straight ahead; mumbles in monotonous voice) Jackie, come back. We miss you.

Laura: Teague, I'm serious!!!

Teague: Okay, okay! (crouches down and picks up one of Laura's shoes at the edge of their bed) JACKIE, COME HOME! (Throws shoe out the window; smiles at Laura) I tried! (jumps back into bed and pulls covers over himself) 'Night!

* * *

((Two Day Later))

(Laura is cooking breakfast over the oven. Arabella and Jack are dressed and sitting at the table)

Laura: Jack, you haven't made your Christmas list yet! Don't you want to let 'Santa' know what you want?

Jack: (puts plate in sink) Yeah, I was going to, but then I turned _ten._

Laura: Bella already gave me her list!

Bella: (puts bowl in the sink next to Jack; grins) "Cooking Mama 2" for Nintendo Double Screen!

Jack: Not-intended-to-replace-your-real-mother. She-just-cooks-better. (snaps hands and points)

Laura: Hey! I can cook just fine!

Bella: Then Mom, why are your scrambled eggs multiplying? (points to eggs in pan which have bubbles around them and are _scrambling_ out and away from the pan)

Laura: (takes spatula) Not this time!!! ("SMACK! HIT! HIT!" Laura beats the eggs and continues stirring.) Seriously, Jack. What do you want for Christmas?

Jack: (taps chin) Well, let's see. There's that _iPod_ I've been asking for, for maybe, like, let's say the past 31 years!!! But maybe I should just ask for a raincoat.

Bella: You mean 13?

Jack: I know what I said.

Laura: Oooooh! So, you want a _raincoat?_ (smiles and shrugs) Better than the coal your father wanted to give you.

Teague: (calls from outside) IT'S FREE OUTSIDE OF WEATHERBY'S HOUSE, LAURA!!! (Jack and Arabella go back to table as Teague staggers in through the door with wreaths around his neck and Christmas lights dangling around his arms.)

Laura: (hands on hips) ...Teague...Are you stealing Bootstrap's Christmas decorations?

Teague: (stutters) Well, it's only stealing if you keep the stuff!...I'm throwing this trash _out!_

Laura: Oh my goodness, you're stealing Christmas from Bootstrap. I married the Grinch!...I'm Missus Grinch!!!

((Overvoices are heard over the kitchen))

Bootstrap: (over voice) Nobody knows why Teague was so cold, perhaps it was that his shoes were to tight, or that his head wasn't screwed on just right, or perhaps was it that his heart was two sizes too small to care for his son.

Anna: (over voice) HEY HEY HEY! I NEVER TOLD YOU THAT YOU COULD CONTROL THE OVERVOICE!!! LEAVE!

Bootstrap: Bu-

Anna: No! ANNA TICKED! GOOOO!!!

Bootstrap: But... nobody should be ticked on Christmas!

Anna: Hey, that was your fault!

Bootstrap: (turns to camera) So, how can it be, that this little girl is trying to blame me?

Anna: BECAUSE YOU'RE A MORON! AN ANNOYING, FISH COVERED, MORON!!! THAT'S WHY TEAGUE STOLE YOUR CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS!!!!

Bootstrap: Teague-did-what?

Anna: ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION TO THE SCREEN?!

Bootstrap: Naaaah, Teague wouldn't do something like that!

Anna: You just said that his heart was two sizes too small!

Bootstrap: To care for his son! I'm his best friend!

Teague: No you're not! (standing over garbage can, with each italicized word, throws one of Bootstrap's Christmas decorations away) _Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Bye. Bye. Annoyance! _(Garbage can explodes)

Anna: Daaaaang! That's like the magic saying!

Bootstrap: What do you mean?

Anna: Didn't you read the Dutchman Christmas?

Bootstrap: No.

Anna: Maccus got shot in the head when Jimmy said that, earlier in this episode, Hadras blew up when Gypsy said that... and just now, the garbage can exploded when Teague said that.

Bootstrap: Daaaang, daaawg! That's messed up!

Anna: Yeah, Bootstrap... don't be cool...

Bootstrap: What, dawg, I'm just being hip and funky funky fresh!

Anna: What did I say? What did I _just_ say?

--- back to epi---

Teague: (now shaking entire box over flaming garbage can) This is much more efficient!

Laura: (walks out from the house) Bella, Jack! Get ready! We're going back to the mall!

Teague: _Again!?_

Laura: Yeah...

Jack: (walks into the kitchen with Bella) Why? I don't wanna go back there!

Laura: Too bad! Tia's picking us up in, like, five minutes!

Teague: The whole cast is going!?

Laura: Yes.

Teague and Jack: Ugggh!

Bella: Hey, Jack! Maybe this time _you'll_ get flushed down the toilet!

Bootstrap: (Walks in out of nowhere) Hey, guys! Let's think of this as an adventure. You k now what they say, everyday is an adventure when you're with friends and family!

Laura: Bootstrap, have you been reading those optimism magazines I loaned you?

Teague: (points an accusing finger at Laura) YOU'RE THE CAUSE OF THIS?!?!?!? (Laura glares at him) I-love-you-I-respect-you-let's-move-on. Where' s the bus?

(Bus crashes into the fence)

Laura: Oh my god! What the hell?

Hadras: (head pokes out of broken windshield) Hiiii guys!

Teague: Oh, well that explains it.

Laura: (Tia stumbles out of the bus, Laura runs up to her) What happened?!

Tia: I didn't want to, but they outnumbered me!

Laura: What?

Tia: They outvoted me... They like the boat-way... they prefer the boat-driving-way...

Laura: What did Davy have to say about that?

Davy: (walks out of the bus with a donut tub on his head...) I didn't care... they gave me tubs of donuts.

Laura: How many?

Davy: Oh, only a couple... two bakers dozen....

Laura: THAT'S UNHEALTHY! (grabs Davy's arm) Hurry, we have to get you something healthy... I have some fresh carrots and celery and cauliflower in the kitchen.

Davy: (clawing at ground) No! No! Nooooo!!!

Tia: Davy it's for the best!

Davy: If you love me then you won't let her do this to me!

Zeus: (pops head out of bus) Go ahead, Laura!

Laura: (drags screaming Davy into kitchen) You have to eat healthily! Now, are you going to come easily or do we have to do this the hard way?

Teague: Umm, Larua? I think you've made your point...

Laura: Get in the bus, Teague. And take the kids! This is gonna be messy.

Teague: (ushers Jack and Bella into the bus) Come-on-kids!

Jack: Hey! We're teens!

Teague: JUST GET IN THE FREAKING BUS!!!

((Ten minutes later))

Laura: (walks disgustedly onto bus; Davy follows her) Ugh! I can't believe you did that!

Davy: I'm sorry! But that's what you get for trying to force feed me!

Anna: What happened?

Laura: Fatty McUnhealthy here threw up on my shoes!

Entire Cast: Ewww!

Davy: She tried to force feed me healthy foods!

Laura: Because I'm trying to be a concerned citizen and I don't want you to die of a massive heart attack!

Cast: What heart!?

Tia: Can we go now?

Laura: Yeah, yeah, yeah. (Starts grumbling as the bus pulls away.)

((Twenty minutes later))

Tia: FINALLY! WE'RE HERE!!!

Anna: Meet back here in two hours!

(Everyone rushes out of the bus and into the mall)

(Cast takes off)

Gypsy: Anna? Did everyone get their Secret Santa list?

Anna: Yes yes, I emailed it to the ones that use email and for the others, I sent it to them.. everyone got theirs!

Gypsy: Okay, soooo, meet back here in two hours?

Anna: Yup! (runs off)

(Gypsy is wandering around the mall)

Gypsy: Oooookaaay... What to get Maccus? What to get Maccus? (walks in front of Victoria's Secret; sees model with a silver bra and silk underwear.) Hmmm, no.. no-no- no-nooooo. He will probably not like me much, especially after the "Mamma Mia' thing...

Maccus: NO I WILL NOT!!! I'M STILL MAD AT YOU!!! AND PALIFICO!!!

Palifico: What-you-talking-bout?

Maccus: The Mamma Mia incident...

Palifico: (shudders) I still have nightmares...

Maccus: (mumbles) All your fault

Palifico: ME!? Dude, stop blaming me! It was your idea!!!

Maccus: No! It was Gypsy's!

Gypsy: Nuh uh! It was Anna's!

Maccus: So this all traces back to the root of all evil!

Gypsy: I JUST SAID IT WASN'T MY FAULT!!!

Palifico: So self-centered!

Gypsy: Palifico! Are you drunk!?

Palifico: I'm not soooobeeeer!

Gypsy: Is that like a common joke amongst you Dutchman people!?!?!

Palifico: Sure, whateva you say, ROAE!

Maccus: (cell phone rings) What? Who's calling me!? (answers it) Hello?... What do you want, Nicole?... WHAT!?!? You're dumping me?! Why!?!... YOU WANT A BIGGER MAN THAN ME!?!?!

((Anna and Gypsy in commentary chairs))

Anna: (barfs) Too... many...meanings... eww... eww...eww!

Gypsy: Deal. With. It.

(( Back to mall))

Maccus: Why?! Who is it?!

Nicole: (over phone) I think that that should be kept confidential since you might try to murder him...

Maccus: Oooh, so I DO know him!!!

Nicole: Sorry, Maccus... hope we can still be friends...

Maccus: But- but- But we can work this out! Please?!

Nicole: I'm sorry, Maccus. Please just don't take this too hard.... (hangs up phone)

Maccus: (hangs up)

Davy: (from across the mall) GET 'ER OFF OF ME!!! HEEEELLLP!!!!

Maccus: Nuh uh... no way... NOOOO!!!

Palifico: Dude, no freaking way... YOU LOST A GIRL TO THE FAT MAN!!!

Maccus: I. Will. Kill. Our. Captain....

* * *

(Anna skips down the walkway)

Anna: (singing) Noorry, Nooorry, what to geeet Noooorry. (stops by Boston Store) Should I? Okay! (skips inside)

Store Clerk: (comes up to her) Well, Merry Christmas to you! Can I help you find anything?

Anna: Wait, didn't you work at Claire's earlier this year?

Store Clerk: BUY SOMETHING OR EXPLODE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anna: Who hired you, Gypsy?

Store Clerk: THE CHICKEN GOES MOO!

Anna: (backs away) Actually, yes, I need help! I'm looking for a Secret Santa gift for my... co-worker...

Store Clerk: Aaah, Secret Santa... well, I can help you find the perfect gift. What's your co-worker like?

Anna: Well, he doesn't have the best life. His guardian abuses him and the girl he loves doesn't care for him in the least.

Store Clerk: Oh, so sad! I'm so sorry for him. I've got it. Follow me. (Takes Anna to a secret corner in the store.) We've been saving this for a case like this. (pulls out a finely decorated box with a picture frame, a rose, and other stuff like that) It's called A Box 'o' Romance. Just fill this with things involving the girl he likes and give it to him.

Anna: (takes the box) Thank you so much.

Store Clerk: You're welcome. Just take it. Nobody else will!

Anna: Thanks! (takes off out of the store)

----

(Bella walks into Kohl's and looks around)

Bella: Nope. Nope. Nada. Geez! You'd thing finding a present for a princess would be easy! (spots the jewelry section) JEWELRY!!! Duh!

--

(Gypsy walks into a store called, "A Little Touch of Japan")

Gypsy: (groans) Gotta shop for the shark! Dunno what to get... shuriken stars? Nah, he'd kill Davy with 'em. Dual swords? Nope. Will?

Will: (standing by the kimonos, a Christmas bag dangling from his arm) G- Gypsy? What the hell are you doing here?!

Gypsy: I was just about to ask you the same question. I'm Secret Santa shopping! What are _you_ doing here?

Will: Secret Santa shopping! (whispers) Who are you buying for?

Gypsy: I'm not telling you!

Will: Puh-leeeze?

Gypsy: No!

Will: Please please please please please please please please-

Gypsy: Fine! (whispers) I have Maccus.

Will: You too?

Gypsy: Mmhmm. What'd you get him?

Will: Kimono. I was tied between that and a Japanese cookware set.

Gypsy: Thanks! You just helped me with my gift!

Will: Japanese cookware?

Gypsy: Mmhmm (looks at watch) Crap...

Will: What?

Gypsy: Gotta meet Anna in five minutes! (Grabs the cookware and runs; alarm blares)

Ragetti: (runs out of store; He is a sales clerk there) HEY, LITTLE GIRL YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR THAT!!!

- ten minutes later--

(Gypsy and Will come running up)

Anna: THERE YOU ARE!!!

Gypsy: Yeah yeah yeah let's go!

Anna: Yeah! Everyone else is in the bus!

Gypsy: Whatever! Let's just go! (They run into the bus)

-Thirty minutes later-

Bella: (enters bedroom with Liz and Jack behind her; Goes to her dresser.) Hey! Has anyone seen that family picture of us at Gulf Shores?

Elizabeth: You mean the one with you in the two piece, Teague and your mom in those beach chairs and then the sea monster hugging you?

Jack: Hey! I thought I was hugging you in that picture.

Bella: That's the one!

Elizabeth: I think Anna took it.

Bella: Um...sure! Yeaah. (gets creeped out and shivers)

((iAnna living room-Not to be confused with the iAnna lounge.))

Anna: (putting pic of Bella into picture frame) Norry's gonna love this! (pastes picture of Norry over Jack's face) Hey, have you seen Davy?

Gypsy: Not since the mall, why?

(Nicole runs in the background carrying a wagon of doughnuts. Kayla is following behind her arms full of doughnuts)

Nicole: DAAAVY! I GOT YOUR AFTERNOON SNAAACK!!!

Kayla: Hey! wait up! I feel like the Grinch's Dog right now!!!

Anna: Cuz I think he's got a fangirl! (turns around to face Nicole and Kayla) Jeez, Nicole! What do you think he is: A squid or a garbage disposal!?

Nicole: Neither! ... The _love_ of my _life_!!!

Anna: Yep, she's his fangirl...

Gypsy: Nicole?

Anna: Nicole... wait, but isn't she-

Gypsy: Maccus's girl? Yeah, she broke up with him.

Anna: (shakes head) Depressing... to lose a girl to your _captain_!

Gypsy: I know! (finishes wrapping the cookware set; places it under iAnna tree) Done.

Anna: (finishes wrapping box) Same here.

Gypsy: (looks at watch) A day from now they'll open gifts... twenty-four hours!

Anna: Yup.... hey, you gonna sleep over?

Gypsy: Sure..

((One day later; Most of the cast is sitting around the decorated iAnna living room, not to be confused with the lounge; Davy walks in wearing a giant green sweater with red and silver polka dots and accidentally bumps into Bootstrap.))

Bootstrap: AAAH!!! IT'S THE BIGGEST CHRISTMAS TREE OF THE APOCALYPSE!!!!

Davy: Bootstrap, what are you babbling about now?

Bootstrap: Oh my god, IT TALKS!!!

Davy: What? (looks at sweater) Oh, you've gotta be kidding me!

(Teague walks in wearing a green fuzzy sweater and wearing a Santa hat.)

Bootstrap: OH MY GOD IT'S THE GRINCH!!!! Are you going to steal my Christmas tree Mr. Grinch? You'll need help lifting it you fuzzy stick! I never got how you did that in the movie.

Teague: (snarls and snaps at Bootstrap)

Anna: Okay... when I call your name, come get your-

Jack: (runs up and tackles Anna) PREEEEESEEEENTS!!!

Anna: (choking underneath Jack's weight) Alright! Just get your presents! (everyone grabs their gift.) Okay... JACK GET THE HELL OFF OF ME!!! Now... on three. One...

Jack: THREE!!! (dives into mountain of presents; Paper flies as people rip open Christmas presents; All the Christmas presents magically fly into their person's hands.)

Davy: An electric razor? Maccus... why?

Maccus: BECAUSE YOU STOLE MY FANGIRL!!!

Will: (looks around at everyone unwrapping presents; Will is sitting there presentless) Uh, guys? Who was my secret santa?

Gypsy: A bomb? Sa-weet! (grabs Davy's pants; thrusts it in after lighting; bomb explodes)

Maccus: (grins) Now my Nikki will want _me _again!

Nicole: Maccus, you've gotta learn to cope with the fact that we are _over_!

Maccus: Bu-

Nicole: Don't make this harder than it needs to be.

Maccus: But-

Nicole: No. (turns to Davy) See ya in the Captain's Cabin...

(Maccus's eyes water; Entire crew turns pale)

Jimmy: (blinks) THE INSANE GIRL'S COMING TO LIVE WITH US?!

Davy: Guess so...

Jimmy: Whyyyy?

Davy: I-dunno! It wasn't my idea!

Nicole: Of course not! It was Anna's!

Maccus: (looks at Anna) Why!? Why would you do that!?

Anna: Hey! Don't look at me! Look at Zeus!!!

Gypsy: What's Tia gonna say about that?

Tia: (angrily marches across screen) OVER MY DEAD BODY, FISH BAIT!!!!!

Nicole: (off screen) That can be arranged!

Davy: Ladies ladies! There's plenty of me to go around!

Maccus: (Jimmy barfing in the background at Laura's feet) Yeah, there's more than enough you for the _world_!!!

Jimmy: ("Bleeech!" Finishes throwing up) IT'S SOOO _WRONG_!!!!

Laura: (weeping) My poor shoes! They haven't had a break all week!!!

Anna: OKAY!!! Can we get back to saying what we got!?

(Barbossa kicks open the iAnna door, frozen)

Barbossa: (standing in the doorway, shivering, shaking, and chattering) You. Forgot. To. Invite. Me. Inside...

Gypsy: (whispers to Anna) I thought we didn't invite him at all!

Anna: (ignores her) Barbossa, it's not that cold outside!

Barbossa: Oh, it's not just the cold. Tia was fighting some crazy girl your age outside. then the girl said some things. I'd deem her crazy, but then I'd have to council her. And FYI, it is twenty degrees below zero out there! (continues to walk inside)

Anna: Well, okay Barbossa, you can come in. But honestly, I don't think anybody got you a present.

Gypsy: (runs up and starts shoving Barbossa back out the door) Sooo, since there's no presents then there's no reason for you to stay. Bye bye-

Anna: DON'T SAY THE 'A' WORD!!! DO NOT FINISH THAT PHRASE!!! (Gypsy is still pushing Barbossa)

Barbossa: No! I want to stay! (Clings to the door frame as Gypsy tries to pull him out) I don't want to go back out there!!! The crazy!...The cold and the Davy-talk!

Fitzwilliam: The 'Davy-Talk?'

Elizabeth: Isn't that a TV show?

Barbossa: (slowly shakes head) Nooooo...It's like Maury, Jerry Springer, and Steve Wilkos all combined in ONE...little girl!!!

Fitzwilliam: What does she s-

Anna: NOT... a good idea...

Fitzwilliam: Why?

Anna: Well, (sighs) Davy fangirls have a tendency to... overreact and take their fangirlisms to the next level. Public displays of affection... you know, fights with Tia, fights with each other... some other stuff I'm not going to mention... (shudders) Flashback!

Fitzwilliam: Huh?

Anna: Our first attempt at- you know what? Nevermind.

Fitzwilliam: Oooookay. Let's get back to presents!

Jack: (runs up) AAAANNNAAA! Fitzy gave me a Poison Arrow Frog!

Fitzy: AND YOU GAVE ME POISON!!!!

Mercer: (walks up to Liz and hugs her) Thanks for the Victoria's Secret, Elizabeth!

Liz: (awkwardly pats his back) No problem, Mercer.

Maccus: Gypsy? Will? Why'd you get me Japanese stuff? A cookware set and a kimono?

Will: Wait, you got _two_ presents? GYPSY! Shouldn't that have belonged to me? And where does he get off- (Camera zooms over to couch)

Barbossa: (appears on the couch) Oh, John, thanks for the introduction to your sister.... she's hot!

Anna: WHAT THE HELL!?!?!

Gypsy: I thought we locked the doors!

Barbossa: Yeah, but not all the windows...

Anna: Ummm....

Barbossa: (shrugs) Don't look at me! It was John's idea! (points at John behind him with thumb and circles his head with other hand; whispers) He's crazy!

Anna: You just called him crazy, now you'll counsel and apple but not Nicole?

Barbossa: (looks at John) We have a complicated friendship...I just wanna eat him.

Gypsy: I will! My parents starve me! (grabs apple and takes a huge bite out of it)

Barbossa: JOHN!!! ...Can I have the rest of him?

Tia: Laura? Why'd you give me a cookbook?

Teague: Because she never uses it!

Bootstrap: I didn't get my present!

Tia: Oops... (gives Laura's cookbook to Bootstrap) Here you go!

Bootstrap: AWESOME!!! (puts it on his head) A NEW HAT!!!

Anna: (looks at her present) Bootstrap... what the hell am I going to do with a POTC cutout of Norry?

Norry: He-gave-you-what?

Laura: Oh Beckett! This nightgown is sooo beautiful!

Teague: (stares at her) And hot...

Beckett: Yeah, it was meant for Norry...

Norry: huh?

Teague: Hey, Zeus! Thanks man! (holds up thunderbolts on a key-chain) Now I can hurt my son whenever I want!

Zeus: And Davy! Don't forget the giant Christmas tree!

Teague: (smiles) I won't.

Norry: (holds up Box 'o' Bella) Awesome, Anna! You're the best!

Bella: SO THERE'S THAT PICTURE!!

Norry: (hugs the Box) No! Mine!!!

Will: Norry obsessed?

Jack: Check

Will: Norry... kinda weird?

Jack: Check.

Will: I agree with you, Jack... now... (to Norry) GIVE ME THAT PICTURE!!!!

Norry: Neeeeveeer!

(Will and Norry start wrestling; Are seen in the background for the rest of this))

Jack: The things I have to put up with for friends...

Liz: (holds up a beautiful necklace) Bella! This is beautiful! (puts it around her neck) I won't ever take it off!

Bella: (holds up piece of paper that rolls down to the fire place across the huge room) Norry? What is this?

Norry: (through one of Will's headlocks) My love on a piece of paper! That's where I confessed my undying love to you!

Bella: Ooookaaaay..

Mary: (aka - Mrs. DeppQueenObsessorGoddess) Hey, I got an autograph from Mr. Mercer!

Nicole: Who's Mercer?

Mary: I don't know... BUT I GOT HIS AUTOGRAPH!!!! He dots his 'i's with little hearts! I got John, too!!!

Nicole: Who???

Mary: Beats me...He dots _his_ 'i's with little apples!

* * *

(Anna and Gypsy commentary)

Anna: I have a question.

Gypsy: No. Shut up! I'm watching the stinkin' show!!! (turns to Anna) ...What's your question?

Anna: How do you know that someone dots their 'i's with little hearts or apples when there's not an 'i' to be found in either of your names?!

Gypsy: Oooh... yeah, didn't think that one through...

* * *

Zeus: Hey, Mercer? Where'd you get this toga?

Mercer: I got it from your daughter.

Zeus: Which one?

Mercer: Artemis.

Zeus: Ah... she's a daddy's girl.

Mercer: Yup.

(Jack appears in a random sweater)

Jack: Ooh, I love this sweater. It's sooo cute and precious.

Elizabeth: Jack.. I have the same sweater back home in my closet.

Jack: (pauses, then starts freaking out in the sweater, trying to get it off) GET IT OFF!! GET IT OFF!! GET IT OFF!!! (sweater is halfway over his head and the sleeves are flailing in the air)

(Laura walks by out of kitchen carrying tray of cookies)

Laura: Jack, for the _third_ time I told you to wrap that for _Arabella!_

Jack:(pauses from spaz-out) Oooh... So _that_ explains why it shows off each and every one of my curves. (takes sweater off and hands to Bella) Here you go.

Elizabeth and Fitzwilliam: (in unison) _Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. EW!_

Arabella: (holds sweater by the collar between two finger) Thanks, merry Christmas to you too, Jack. (optimistically) At least you over-stretched it and broke it in for me! (tosses behind her; Whispers) Liz, have a second one!

Elizabeth: (squirms) JACK TOUCHED IT!!!(flinches and tosses it into Fitzy's lap)

Fitzy: (picks it up and holds it out in front of him) You have this same sweater? (turns to Liz) I bet it looks _lovely_ on you!

Elizabeth: (blushes) Aw, well, thanks!

Jack: (twitching with each word) _Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!_

Anna: (trying to figure out Norry cut-out) Now everyone knows what everyone got... everyone gonna have fun this Christmas?

Will: WAIT! How come I never got a present? I just don't think-(gets cut off)

Jimmy: We all know Nikki is! (Dutchman crew laughs)

Maccus: (following Nicole around) Please?

Nicole: No

Maccus: Please?

Nicole: No

Maccus: Please?

Nicole: MACCUS I'M NOT GONNA TAKE YOU BACK!!!!

Maccus: Please?

Entire cast: NOOOOO!!!!!

Anna: Gypsy... please do the honors and close us out?

Gypsy: (pulls out remote) Love to!

Bootstrap: Appears in front of cast in a commentary mode) So, some people say that Teague's heart grew three sizes that day. It weant from a black hole, to a lump of ice!

Teague: (appears in commentary mode in front of screen) I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!! (Throws multiple mini bolts at Bootstrap; Bootstrap explodes)

Gypsy: Sorry, Teague, that was my doing! And, TO ALL WHO LOVE AND TO ALL A GOODNIGHT! (Looks into camera) I love Christmas! (presses all but one button; Everyone but Anna and Gypsy explode... Gypsy is not dumb enough to put a button for her on there)

Gypsy and Anna: Now! MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!!!!

Anna: From the iAnna cast this was the iAnna Christmas!

Gypsy: As wild as ever and still funny as hell!

Gypsy and Anna: GOOD NIGHT WOOOOOORLD!!!!

* * *

Gypsy: Well, what'd you think of Anna's sleepless ending? Anna?

Anna: (snoring)

Gypsy: ANNA!!!

Anna: (jerks awake) Huh? What the hell do you want?

Gypsy: Say night night to the fanfiction people.

Anna: Night night. (passes out)

Gypsy: (rolls eyes) Well, review, people! REVIEW!! WE'll try to have the next iAnna epi up ASAP. We're having a sleepover on New Year's!

Will: Wait a minute, why didn't _I_ ever get a-

Gypsy and Anna: BYEEEEEEEEE!


End file.
